Purposeless?

I should be really grateful of my life.

I live a comfortable life. I'm not rich, but also not poor. I can afford meals 3 times a day, even more. I have a roof on top of my head; I live in a rented room. I have a nice bed to sleep; not my favorite but it's still cozy. I even have a TV. And of course I have a computer and internet connection, otherwise I couldn't write this blog. My room is really warm in the summer because it's in the attic, and lots of bugs hijack my bed during a warm day. But at least I have a roof on top of my head, and I can still live comfortably.

I should also be thankful of the job that I have. I do 9-to-5 job as an IT engineer in a big firm. I'm not in a high position though, but the pay is still alright to afford all my expenses. After all, I don't live a jet set life. I use public transportation to travel to work everyday. I don't eat out regularly, and when I do I don't really go to fancy restaurants or cafes. I don't own fancy stuff or branded clothes. When I go on vacation I tend to stay in a regular room rather than in a 5-star hotel. I don't go to expensive party, I prefer to stay at home.

My work is pretty normal too. I'm not the brightest, but also not the worst (I think). I've tried to be the best, especially when I had my first job. I was ambitious and competitive; I worked so hard and had lots of late nights. I try to prove myself more than others. What were the results? I became so anxious and frustrated, and I got sick realizing that everything I have done was never enough. The more I did, the more I was demanded, and also the more I got frustrated. And in the end, no matter how hard I have worked on somebody's goals, I still got dumped during hard times. Now, I try to be more realistic, more laid back and focus more on myself, on my mental and physical well-being. But it's still not an easy thing to do.

On the other hand, I should be grateful because I have fulfilled many things I dreamed of for a long time. I dreamed of travelling to many countries in the world, and I did. Not as many as wealthy influencers on Instagram though, also I didn't sit on the first class on a flight nor stay in a luxury hotel suite, but it's still quite an experience. Also, I fulfilled my promise to my parents to continue studying overseas without using their money. And now, I live and work in a foreign country; another wish I checked.

Life should be great for me, right? I wake up, go to work, go back home, have dinner, and sleep.

I wake up, go to work, go back home, have dinner, and sleep.

Repeat.

...

I feel lost.

I feel empty inside. Somehow, everything I do doesn't spark joy anymore.

Even I'm bored playing the games I used to enjoy playing.

Every conversation turns sour, every action turns bitter.

But, shouldn't I feel grateful of my normal, mediocre life? I am not the brightest, but also not the worst. I am not the most adorable guy, but also not the most despicable. I might not be able to be at the top of the social ladder, but I'm also not at the bottom.